Happy fall of 2022! I hope this message finds you well. Today, I invite you to explore a few big questions that in turn, might lead you to some big insights. Insights that inspire positive changes. Additionally, I have an update on my practice as well as links to a couple of podcasts I completed recently.
With the onset of fall and eventually winter, it is a powerful time to turn inward. Hanging out in your inner world, maybe with a cup of tea in hand, and taking time to reflect offers the gifts of increased self-awareness and clarity. Sometimes, if you and I are lucky, we also get to see where we are stuck. This is incredibly helpful because we can’t change what we don’t see. Facing our blind spots takes bravery, however, since it is likely that our blindness, so to speak, has served us somehow. Blindness as a form of self-protection because we weren’t ready to see the truth. So, if you are ready to dive into the big questions, I ask that you bring forward not only your courage, but your gentleness and wisdom too.
Do you really love yourself?
I am talking about practicing self-love here, not professing it. The kind of love that goes beyond self-care activities like getting a massage from time to time to the harder stuff, like accepting your fallibility in the face of a mistake, finding your voice even if your knees are shaking, setting boundaries without guilt, respecting and cherishing your body, and maybe most importantly, engaging in compassionate self-talk. Each of these aspects of practicing self-love is complex but ultimately illuminate the embodiment of self-love.
Are you making a difference in the world?
What I imagine in posing this question isn’t necessarily the big-ticket items, such as starting a non-profit, running for office or saving a life. Those are amazing endeavors, of course. But for many of us, the vision of making a big difference is overwhelming. Instead of feeling motivated and creative, we feel paralyzed. When that happens, sadly, we lose sight of the very opportunities that are right in front of us. Those small things, such as letting the car in front of you in, smiling at a stranger, helping someone who is lost, or picking up a piece of litter, all contribute to the world being a better place. Not only that, by making any difference, we get to enjoy putting our head on the pillow each night feeling a stronger connection to the world we live in.
Who do you need to forgive? (Include yourself)
Forgiveness is complicated but not forgiving others is also complicated and not without the consequences of resentment and being stuck in the past. It can be much easier when the person who we need to forgive has taken responsibility and has offered remorse and a willingness to make what happened right. In those cases, where there has been repair, it may be time to let go and choose to forgive. This choice does not negate your pain but ultimately allows you to fully heal.
There are other times, however, when we get hurt and have not had the gift of repair around our injury. Maybe the other person can’t, won’t or has died. It is much harder, understandably, to forgive without accountability. But if we don’t forgive, we still live with the consequences of not doing so. There is, however, an inner process that can help.
First, consider whether the person did their best. This doesn’t mean that you didn’t get hurt but ask yourself if you are operating with clarity around their capacities. Also ask yourself whether or not you have all of the information around what happened. Way too often our hurts are laced with interpretations and assumptions. Lastly, reflect upon the benefits and good that has come from what happened. For example, when we get hurt, not only have we survived, but we have often learned life lessons as well as strengthened our resilience. So, here’s the deal; we really can’t have it both ways. We don’t get to keep the silver linings without accepting the life experience that produced those gifts.
For some of us, forgiveness work is really about forgiving ourselves. This can be transformative in terms of no longer living in self-judgment. But again, it’s a process. In terms of forgiving yourself, think of it in the same way as you would in forgiving another. Take responsibility for where you have caused harm, say you’re sorry (literally), and do whatever you need to do on your own behalf to make it right.
What does true happiness look like for you?
When exploring this question, instead of simply listing the things, activities, events, people, etc. that make you happy, try starting with what makes you unhappy. From there, imagine changing those things. Just the act of acknowledging your unhappiness is part of being emotionally honest with yourself and feels better than denying it, especially if you are willing to do something about your unhappiness. In addition, remember that chasing happiness is a real thing. It is like being on a happiness hamster wheel, which creates pressure and anxiety (a form of unhappiness) and too often results in finding out later that what you thought would make you happy didn’t. Next, focus on what is present in your life right now that makes you happy. Imagine that you could find deeper happiness just by savoring what in your life currently brings you joy. Finally, keep in mind the role of experiencing “awe” in being happy. For me, I love to look for awe in the small stuff; not only the beautiful sunsets and majestic mountain ranges, but equally in the ant trains on their highways and byways traveling in perfect order up and down a towering Douglas Fir.
So here is the summary…
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- Practice loving yourself and be watchful of your self-talk
- Do something each day that makes a difference in the world
- Engage in forgiveness work with yourself and others
- Change or eliminate what makes you unhappy, savor what brings you joy and engage in cultivating “awe” in your life
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The big practice update is that I have been exploring psilocybin-assisted therapy within my practice and have been looking into next steps. What I have learned in the process is that the current implementation of Measure 109 in Oregon is not set up for those in private practice, meaning that I would need to work for a designated “Service Center” in order to legally offer psilocybin-assisted therapy. I am saddened by this discovery but will continue to explore bringing other pieces, such as preparation and integration, to my clients in the form of groups and classes.
The link here is to a wonderful conversation I had with Carol Dechaine on her podcast Connect2Joy and here for a great conversation I had with Laurin W Wittig on her Curiously Wise podcast. I will be posting it also on my website after I complete an upcoming podcast called Living to 100.
With love,
Katherine