The idea of being unmasked is especially refreshing after many months of contending with COVIID-19. And while we may not be able to take our physical masks off yet, we can absolutely remove the masks that keep us from living as our true selves. Doing so can be life changing because being masked means that we exist in the world with a false sense of self. But as it goes with powerful and transformative endeavors, in this case becoming and staying unmasked, it is easier said than done. That’s because our masks, though they eventually get in the way to living authentically, have been fierce protectors in keeping us from experiencing pain.
For example, a really common mask, “The Pleaser”, keeps us from feeling the fear of not mattering to another, i.e., pleasing others gives me a sense of security in my relationships. It also means we are living in the paradigm of individualism rather than an intrinsic connectedness to others. Or “The Perfectionist” mask, always striving as a way to ensure that I am good enough such that I don’t feel the unworthiness that lies below. But pleasing others at our own expense comes with a high cost. Our own needs and feelings are too frequently shut out. Those relationships may feel more secure but come with resentment that grows over time. And the price of trying to stay one step ahead of feeling unworthy is huge as we find ourselves exhausted and overwhelmed on the relentless treadmill of performative living.
So where do you go from here if unmasking yourself resonates and enlivens you; how do we bring our unmasked selves to 2022? Below are a few ideas that don’t involve ripping the mask off. In being thoughtful with the process, it is much more likely transformation will last. And for some of us, the stakes couldn’t be higher. We have arrived at a point in our lives where this is really it. It’s time. No more moments, days or years we can’t get back living behind masks that keep us from experiencing ourselves, life and our relationships fully.
- Step one is to actually get to know your masks, taking a stance of curiosity, respect and gratitude. Remember, you likely would not be where you are in life without them. Debbie Ford, in her book, “Why Good People Do Bad Things”, focuses on masks and has identified many. They include masks like “The Loner”. “The Good Girl/Nice Guy”, “The Martyr”, “The Jokester” and “The Intellect”. Click here to access her work
- Ask yourself what is needed for a sense of inner safety once the mask is removed. In the two examples above, you might need to have reassuring inner dialogue like “My relationships do not need me to discount my own feelings and needs to be secure. If they do, it might be time to look at whether or not this is a healthy relationship for me.” or “If I feel unworthy, I can heal the part of me that believes I am not enough rather than continue the attempts to disprove it.”
- Next, be ready to feel uncomfortable. Transformation involves change and change often creates anxiety. Try to frame your uncomfortableness as an indicator that you are moving in the right direction.
- Take one mask off at a time. Working with this process by pacing it will increase your capacity to eventually take on any and all masks you wear.
- Lastly, get support. A friend, partner, therapist…enlist the support of anyone that can be both empathetic and help you to stay true to the North Star of authenticity.